Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
