he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
