I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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