you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
