so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
