its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize