This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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