god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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