I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
