You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
