do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
