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Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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