she smelled like a LAN party
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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