dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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