i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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