I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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