and she was petting her beer can
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
