my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
