I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
