Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
