Im at strip club and am horny
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
