Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
