Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
