the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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