I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
