Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize