i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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