I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
