I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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