I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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