the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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