I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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