my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
someone owes me an orgasm
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
