when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize