I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
