Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
