you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
