Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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