I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
