i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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