Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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