I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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