I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
