Swine flu is the new snow day.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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