too bad you live with your parents still
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize