Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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