Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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