i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
