Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jerry, you need to find god
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
