i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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