I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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