I could have mohawked her pubes.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize