I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
