The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can I color on your dick again?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
