i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
