I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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